5 Ways to Attract Bears to your Neighborhood.

I know what you’re thinking, “I haven’t seen a bear in my neighborhood in ages!” Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. Neighborhoods all over the country have been suffering from a general shortage of bear activity. We all want more bears roaming our streets, that’s for certain. But for reasons still undetermined bears have taken their business elsewhere, probably the wilderness, who knows? Personally, I can’t stand the thought of raising a child in a world that would so callously make bears feel unwelcome in society. Bears long ago partnered with humanity to ensure that we kept stocked poorly guarded trash bins available at all times for bears to enjoy. In return bears would enrich our lives with their presence ensuring that our neighborhoods remained exciting and eclectic at all times. If you’ve never taken your trash out to the dumpster and found a large playful bear waiting inside to surprise you, then you are missing out. Bears love waiting in dumpsters to surprise humans, they’re always in the mood to pull a good prank. So, you miss bears, and you want to go back to the old days when bears were welcomed as honored guest in our neighborhoods? Then you are in luck, because here are 5 things you can do to encourage bears to visit the streets of your neighborhood:

1. First of all, bears love parties, but more than the parties themselves, bears love being invited to parties. Being invited to parties makes bears feel like people care. Make sure you invite bears to your parties. Unfortunately, bears don’t keep mailing addresses or permanent residences, they’re very weary of the government infringing on their freedoms and so they live off the grid as much as possible. Bears are very paranoid. So, if you want to make sure that bears receive the party invitations you send them, there’s a few things you can do. First put some old grubby clothes on, the kind you wouldn’t mind throwing out. Second, rub copious amount of chicken grease on yourself, like really saturate every square inch in the stenchiest chicken grease you can find, the more putrid it is the better. Then gather your invitations and go for a long meandering walk through the woods by yourself. Make sure to be as quiet as possible on your walk, bears are easily spooked by loud noises, and you don’t want to inadvertently scare any of them off. Using this method, you shouldn’t have to try very hard to find the bears in your area, they will come looking for you. When they find you, you can easily hand them their party invitations, and all but guarantee that there will be bears at your party!
2. Make sure your party invitations contain lots of bear word play and puns. Bears love word play and puns almost more than they love parties. Be as creative as possible. Here are a few examples to help get you started: “No need to bring anything to the party we’ve already got all the BEAR necessities.” Or “Please join us for this BEAR-Y special event.” Just use your imagination, the sky is the limit when it comes to bear puns. The better your puns and wordplay, the more bears you’ll have at your parties.
3. Third, keep 12 to 15 rotting salmon carcasses in your outside trash bins at all times. I can’t stress this one enough. People think its ok to skip this step, but I assure you it’s critical if you ever want to see a bear in your neighborhood again. Don’t skimp on the numbers either, 12 is the BEAR minimum amount of rotting salmon carcasses you should keep in your trash bin!
4. Forget about political correctness. Bear’s hate PC culture. PC culture may even be why bears retreated to the wilderness in the first place. Don’t get them wrong, most bears are not racist misogynistic homophobes (except grandpa bears, but only because they’re very old and from a different time.) they just don’t think anyone should be telling them what they are and aren’t allowed to say. They also don’t think people should be allowed to keep inventing new personal pronouns. That really upsets and confuses bears, what’s a zerm?
5. Lastly, let your kids play unsupervised in the streets……Especially at night! Bears really love kids, but having parents around puts a drag on the fun in a bear’s mind. Who are we kidding, kids love bears just as much as bears love kids, it’s a win-win situation if I’ve ever seen one, and with your kids outside occupied by once unimaginable concentrations of marauding neighborhood bears, you and your wife will finally have the alone time that your struggling marriage has been in desperate need of.

There it is friends, simple actionable steps we can all take to welcome bears back into our neighborhoods. What are you waiting for get out there and make shit happen!